I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
