New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
