sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
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