he puts the penis in happiness.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
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