Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
