Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
You should frame my arrest warrant.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize
