I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
