The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
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