boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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