i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
