Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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