Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
