I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
