You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
ugly people sure do ruin things
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Randomize
