Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
