dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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