someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
