I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?