Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.