i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
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There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
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I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.