Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Randomize
