When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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