I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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