dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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