Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
