I just pynch a tree in the face
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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