How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Randomize
