I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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