a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
