Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
