You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
