I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
