the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
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