She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
