I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
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