so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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