his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
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