You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....