Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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