It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
