Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
