Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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