who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
a search helicopter?!
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
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