Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
