Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Randomize
