The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
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