You made me cry and you don't even care
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
