My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Randomize
