so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
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