We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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