Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
