I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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