If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
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Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
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he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
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