I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Randomize
