I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
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