I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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