I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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