In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Dick very happy bro
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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