I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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