Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
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If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
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Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
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