y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
