Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
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